So I have decided to start my own blog. A blog about what goes on day to day in the life of Caitlin, and let me tell you, its not interesting. Not one bit. But its about how I feel, how I'm coping with my depression, what I think, what I do, about my daughter, my family, everything. Every detail of me basically.
Well where do I start? its currently 02:07am on the 15th April 2018 and I am wide awake, watching my 9 week old baby girl in her swing chair. Waiting for her to realise that she isn't in my arms and to start screaming. This is a typical night for us. Shes managed to have a few naps but each nap lasts less than 30 minutes and it ends in a crying match because shes realised I am not holding her or she's not by my side as shes in her moses basket.
Today has been a bad day. A very bad day. Ive managed to argue with my partner multiple times. Over nothing and pathetic things as well but things get so heated it just ends in disaster. I try to tell him how I feel but I feel like that causes the arguments to get worse. I don't want to lose him and I know these tablets are meant to make me better but in a way I feel like they aren't working... they are making me want to kick off more.
I guess this is why I am writing this blog, because I feel like I can't open up to other people. Therefore if I write a blog then it gets my feelings out without the pain of arguing with people or the fear of losing people.
Today I feel worthless, useless and sad. Why you ask? I don't know. Its just a feeling that comes at the most ridiculous of times. I could be the happiest person in the world and then my feelings come crashing down and it feels like those three feelings have just smacked me in the face. They tell you depression comes at the worst times, and for me it has. I am meant to be the happiest person in the world at this point. Ive had a baby, got an amazing life partner and a great family. Everything anyone could ever ask for. I'm meant to be enjoying time with all these things but my head only allows me to have so much happiness and it feels like it only allows me to be happy for a limited amount of time. It could be an hour, 4 hours or a full day. At some point the happiness comes to an end. Like today. My happiness lasted a whole 15 minutes then I was sad, then happiness lasted another hour and then I was sad again. When will the tablets take away the pain?
I look at everything I have in life and realise how lucky I am. To have such a supporting family, a life partner who stands by me, even when I'm having one of my days where I don't want to get out of bed or I scream at him for playing XBox too much. Which he does but hopefully there will be a day that I can just pick up a controller and play with him. Last but not least a gorgeous daughter. A child was all Ive ever wanted. I'm 21 I know and not long an adult but the day my gorgeous girl was brought into this world was the day my life changed for the better. I grew up, I fell in love, I became a mum. Which is more than any girl could dream of. They tell you that you don't know love until it smacks you in the face. In a way that's true but in my head, you don't know love until a doctor puts your child onto your chest and tells you congratulations it's a healthy baby girl, you don't know love until you look in that child's eyes and realise that the little human on your chest is your life, the one you grow up loving, your best friend, your world. The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the happiest days of my life, but that's a story for another day.
Well I guess I better get off since my little miss has fallen asleep. I either have approximately 28 minutes to sleep or I have 6 hours and I tell you this... I hope it's not the first option.
Well where do I start? its currently 02:07am on the 15th April 2018 and I am wide awake, watching my 9 week old baby girl in her swing chair. Waiting for her to realise that she isn't in my arms and to start screaming. This is a typical night for us. Shes managed to have a few naps but each nap lasts less than 30 minutes and it ends in a crying match because shes realised I am not holding her or she's not by my side as shes in her moses basket.
Today has been a bad day. A very bad day. Ive managed to argue with my partner multiple times. Over nothing and pathetic things as well but things get so heated it just ends in disaster. I try to tell him how I feel but I feel like that causes the arguments to get worse. I don't want to lose him and I know these tablets are meant to make me better but in a way I feel like they aren't working... they are making me want to kick off more.
I guess this is why I am writing this blog, because I feel like I can't open up to other people. Therefore if I write a blog then it gets my feelings out without the pain of arguing with people or the fear of losing people.
Today I feel worthless, useless and sad. Why you ask? I don't know. Its just a feeling that comes at the most ridiculous of times. I could be the happiest person in the world and then my feelings come crashing down and it feels like those three feelings have just smacked me in the face. They tell you depression comes at the worst times, and for me it has. I am meant to be the happiest person in the world at this point. Ive had a baby, got an amazing life partner and a great family. Everything anyone could ever ask for. I'm meant to be enjoying time with all these things but my head only allows me to have so much happiness and it feels like it only allows me to be happy for a limited amount of time. It could be an hour, 4 hours or a full day. At some point the happiness comes to an end. Like today. My happiness lasted a whole 15 minutes then I was sad, then happiness lasted another hour and then I was sad again. When will the tablets take away the pain?
I look at everything I have in life and realise how lucky I am. To have such a supporting family, a life partner who stands by me, even when I'm having one of my days where I don't want to get out of bed or I scream at him for playing XBox too much. Which he does but hopefully there will be a day that I can just pick up a controller and play with him. Last but not least a gorgeous daughter. A child was all Ive ever wanted. I'm 21 I know and not long an adult but the day my gorgeous girl was brought into this world was the day my life changed for the better. I grew up, I fell in love, I became a mum. Which is more than any girl could dream of. They tell you that you don't know love until it smacks you in the face. In a way that's true but in my head, you don't know love until a doctor puts your child onto your chest and tells you congratulations it's a healthy baby girl, you don't know love until you look in that child's eyes and realise that the little human on your chest is your life, the one you grow up loving, your best friend, your world. The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the happiest days of my life, but that's a story for another day.
Well I guess I better get off since my little miss has fallen asleep. I either have approximately 28 minutes to sleep or I have 6 hours and I tell you this... I hope it's not the first option.
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