Day2Day

Its been a while since i have posted. Nearly a month now but things haven't gotten any easier. If anything they have gotten worse. The arguments, the tears, the pain and the fear. The fear of being alone run round my head in circles each and everyday. Knowing that their might be a chance that I could mess things up. Why I think like this I have no idea... but it doesn't stop. It's like it's on a constant loop. The arguments just get worse and uglier each time and each time there is always a slam at the door. That person walks out. I have got to that point now that I can't cry anymore, I want to but nothing. No water streaming down my face. Just my head held high for my Zoey and I. I keep listening to the same song on repeat. Zoey loves it. Anytime I open my mouth and sing it to her she smiles, she giggles, she looks happy. That is one thing in this life that makes me happy, seeing her smiling. Anytime i am sad and feel alone, i sing to her. I watch that beamin...

On Wednesday 18th April, I actually allowed Zoey to stay out for the night at my parents. I thought it was an ok idea at first, I had slight worry as myself and Zoey both have separation issues, but I done it. I came home and sat in the flat stairway and cried for 30 minutes. 30 whole minutes thinking about my baby girl and how all I wanted to do was cuddling her. I knew she was safe. Like of course she was, she was with my mum and dad. What made it worse was the messages from my parents saying about how well she was doing and my brother cuddling her and my little sister making sure she was ok. I was not ok. Another sleepless night of me worrying and constantly checking my phone. David eventually came in from work about 05:15 and I just cuddled him. He knew something was up but he just couldn't bring himself to ask because he knew it would upset me. But him being there, comforting me and making sure that I didn't feel alone made me feel slightly better. How hard can it be to ...

After being diagnosed with depression, things have been hard. I argue a lot, I don't want to leave my room, I wont allow my daughter out of my sight, its tough. My habit... the arguing. The last 2 days though haven't been as bad. There was a slight hiccup last night but that was out of my control. So let's start from yesterday and what happened... My dad called me up and said my aunt was coming to visit so I had exactly 20 minutes to get up, showered, dressed and my little girl ready to go out. For any girl this is IMPOSSIBLE!! But with 10 minutes after the original time limit, I managed. I got into my dads car and we went to his work in Bellsquarry and the food was fantastic. The banter with family and staff, the company, it all made the day easier. As we left I was getting slight urges to be sad again but I stopped those feelings from over taking my body. I finally had slight control. The rest of the day was great spending it with family. It was like nothing could go w...

Well I thought it's only right that you know a bit about me. So here it goes; I'm Caitlin Jones-Bennett and i'm a 21 year old Business Management student from West Lothian. I am a mum to a gorgeous little girl named Zoey and she is my world. All I ever wanted was a little baby to call my own little mini me and that's what I got and I would never change her for the world. To make things a lot clearer, I was diagnosed with depression not long after I had Zoey. This took a turn for the worst as sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed, sometimes I feel like there's no use to as my partner is there to do the things that are needed and he is more use than myself. I know this is not the case but depression makes you think like that. It takes over your body and makes you into some kind of different species. Its crazy. Anyway as I explained in the last post, this blog is about me coping with my depression, my life, blah blah blah. I'm not going to repeat myself ab...

So I have decided to start my own blog. A blog about what goes on day to day in the life of Caitlin, and let me tell you, its not interesting. Not one bit. But its about how I feel, how I'm coping with my depression, what I think, what I do, about my daughter, my family, everything. Every detail of me basically. Well where do I start? its currently 02:07am on the 15th April 2018 and I am wide awake, watching my 9 week old baby girl in her swing chair. Waiting for her to realise that she isn't in my arms and to start screaming. This is a typical night for us. Shes managed to have a few naps but each nap lasts less than 30 minutes and it ends in a crying match because shes realised I am not holding her or she's not by my side as shes in her moses basket. Today has been a bad day. A very bad day. Ive managed to argue with my partner multiple times. Over nothing and pathetic things as well but things get so heated it just ends in disaster. I try to tell him how I feel but I f...