Its been a while since i have posted. Nearly a month now but things haven't gotten any easier. If anything they have gotten worse.
The arguments, the tears, the pain and the fear. The fear of being alone run round my head in circles each and everyday. Knowing that their might be a chance that I could mess things up. Why I think like this I have no idea... but it doesn't stop. It's like it's on a constant loop.
The arguments just get worse and uglier each time and each time there is always a slam at the door. That person walks out. I have got to that point now that I can't cry anymore, I want to but nothing. No water streaming down my face. Just my head held high for my Zoey and I.
I keep listening to the same song on repeat. Zoey loves it. Anytime I open my mouth and sing it to her she smiles, she giggles, she looks happy. That is one thing in this life that makes me happy, seeing her smiling. Anytime i am sad and feel alone, i sing to her. I watch that beaming smile look up at me and just giggle and smile myself. Times like that show what love really is and allows me to realise that i am not alone, I have her.
I always give myself the blame and the guilt gets to me. Again I don't know why I think like that but I do. They tell me these tablets are meant to makes things steady and easier but if anything they are making them worse, its dreadful. Each morning waking up to try and be happy yet there is always that one little niggle in my brain that tells me no. My heart is telling me to be happy but sometimes things take over and those dreadful feelings get on top of the good ones and its like it takes over.
Maybe i'm just being silly, maybe there is nothing wrong at all but those thoughts still go my head. I have tried the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and that's not working either. Yes i am getting my feelings out once a week but it doesn't seem enough. I need to speak to someone who knows what it feels like to feel like how I am right now. Someone that wont judge me based on my thoughts and feelings. Those people are so hard to find right now. They seem to be like me... putting a smile on their face and acting like they are the happiest people in the world.
The arguments, the tears, the pain and the fear. The fear of being alone run round my head in circles each and everyday. Knowing that their might be a chance that I could mess things up. Why I think like this I have no idea... but it doesn't stop. It's like it's on a constant loop.
The arguments just get worse and uglier each time and each time there is always a slam at the door. That person walks out. I have got to that point now that I can't cry anymore, I want to but nothing. No water streaming down my face. Just my head held high for my Zoey and I.
I keep listening to the same song on repeat. Zoey loves it. Anytime I open my mouth and sing it to her she smiles, she giggles, she looks happy. That is one thing in this life that makes me happy, seeing her smiling. Anytime i am sad and feel alone, i sing to her. I watch that beaming smile look up at me and just giggle and smile myself. Times like that show what love really is and allows me to realise that i am not alone, I have her.
I always give myself the blame and the guilt gets to me. Again I don't know why I think like that but I do. They tell me these tablets are meant to makes things steady and easier but if anything they are making them worse, its dreadful. Each morning waking up to try and be happy yet there is always that one little niggle in my brain that tells me no. My heart is telling me to be happy but sometimes things take over and those dreadful feelings get on top of the good ones and its like it takes over.
Maybe i'm just being silly, maybe there is nothing wrong at all but those thoughts still go my head. I have tried the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and that's not working either. Yes i am getting my feelings out once a week but it doesn't seem enough. I need to speak to someone who knows what it feels like to feel like how I am right now. Someone that wont judge me based on my thoughts and feelings. Those people are so hard to find right now. They seem to be like me... putting a smile on their face and acting like they are the happiest people in the world.
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